This has been as liberating as it has been hard to stomach.
I’ve observed my mind oscillate between certainties and disorientation in less than a full minute. I’ve sat and breathed for hours, flowed through yoga asanas, consulted divination systems, dissected my journals and called out to close allies reaching for answers --- reaching for clarity, in those moments when the obscuration and density seem to be more than I can handle.
I’ve heard voices say yes and immediately after no, with as much resolution, and it’s brought me to this very moment where I surrender, because it’s here, the truth I’m looking for it’s imbedded in what I’m labeling as doubt --- this question I’m asking can only be answered in presence… presencing it all --- all – ways.
In essence this is a great mystery we’re incarnated into and the law of nature seems to be, that as soon as there is order, chaos comes to diversify the situation and as the dying pass, the born are birthed and I can’t be in full bloom all year long because I want to see you bloom too, and the trees need to lose their color so the leaves may crunch beneath our feet as crisp fall air kisses our cheeks and soon I’ll be under the sun immersed in the salty waves of the ocean missing the invigorating death of the seasons turned inward in my beloved NYC. But I’ll be where I’m meant to be and so will you.
So what am I saying? I’m saying I want to feel you and I want you to know you are felt. I want you to know that the currents of confusion stream through me too and I am here for you. There are things we can ‘know’ and ‘answer’ but they serve in the same way our skeleton does--- to give structure, to support, so that life, flesh, muscles and smiles and can flow, but one day those bones too will absorb back into the cycle of the unknown.
What can I truly give you? I can give you the honesty of my achy heart, overwhelmed with what it can’t comprehend, the solutions are simple but our minds are possessed so we blame and we hate and we split and leave things unaddressed --- so I address you, I call you by your name and I say to you, I can give you my patience. I have a long way to go, anxiousness and urgency still pulses through my gestures and I want things now… or I want you to see and hear now, so I give you my patience and I will listen and I will let you be as you need to be.
See, this is what has been given to me and so when I get lost and distressed I am held by the freedom of gratitude, no rush to reset, to rest, to fail is sometimes also to a pass a test. I can give you my trust, because we are so void of it, because we a-void it, because it’s maybe terrifying to accept you as you are, because maybe you are not ready to answer my calls or look me in the eyes, and maybe I’m not ready to see you as you fully are so I expect too much, but even in this human labyrinth of timing and rhythm I give you my trust, I trust you to be as you are and that helps me to trust me to be as I am and from there comes the glimpse of how I aspire to be.
Of how I aspire we.
How do I aspire to be? I aspire to be as free as I feel you deserve to be. I aspire to feel the ebbs and the flows, highs, lows and allow. Allow myself to be angry, but not at you, angry like I know we can do better, but sometimes we plan a nice trip and are reminded we can’t control the weather. So I aspire to for-give, I for-give you my love. I for-give you my love, because that’s what it’s for, giving. I aspire to in-spire, as in oxygenate, as in honor this wildly capable organism that I call my body and fill it with the nourishment of inhalation and as I let it out I invoke your radiance.
Because that’s what we can be, radiant. Even when we’re weeping or screaming or silent, we’re radiating.
I aspire to spiral in radiance as we.
I aspire toward unity, uniquely individuated you and me’s that hug and feel each other’s wholeness in totality.
I keep my eyes open today to invite myself to be where I am and from this space I extend my limited limitless into the palms of your hands, and I don’t reject the cold lump in my throat as I swallow and I pray, if they must, that tears follow and I open my heart and I say it to you,
I am in Love and I will live it with You.